Please stop bringing sexy back.  There aren’t a whole lot of people left on the planet who have yet to bring sexy back.  The ambient sexiness is quite high.  We don’t need any more.  Please leave the rest of the sexy where it is.

Please keep your children under control at Wal-Mart.  When all I want to buy is a Sharpie, it’s terribly annoying when your seven children are all rolling around on the ground in the middle of the school supplies aisle screaming, “Mira!  Mira, Mami, Mira!”

Please stop asking me to buy cigarettes for you if you’re under 18.  You’re an idiot.  Go play with your Legos.  If you want to kill yourself that badly, swallow something from under the sink.

Please stop talking on your cell phone while I’m trying to watch my movie.  If you’re not smart enough to read the twenty-foot tall image that shows prior to the movie that says, “Please turn off your cell phones,” you have no business trying to comprehend a feature-length movie, much less attempt to communicate with another human being via cell phone.

Please stop hiring non-English speaking people to work at your Subway franchises.  It’s unbelievably aggravating when me saying, “No oil,” is followed by your employee lunging for the bottle of oil, unscrewing the cap, and gushing the entire contents of the container all over my previously delicious sandwich.

Please maintain at least a twelve-inch buffer zone between us when standing in line behind me.  It’s very unnerving when I can feel each and every one of your heaving breaths slide down the back of my neck.  And unless you happen to be my girlfriend at the time, I have zero desire to feel any part of your body making contact with any part of my body.

Please stop posting bulletins with titles such as: “My Brother Got Me Pregnant,” especially when the contents of the bulletin say something to the effect of me denying Jesus by not reposting said bulletin with the same absurd title.  Jesus is not going to send me to hell because I failed to repost a bulletin onMySpace of all places, nor is he going to give you any kudos for tricking people into viewing your silly bulletin with such a silly title.  And, when your brother actually does get you pregnant, no one will think you’re serious.

Please stop being stupid.  Me believing in evolution obviously makes me an atheist, your political party is obviously right about everything, Wiccans obviously worship Satan, I obviously speak Spanish because my last name is Aranda, and George Bush obviously bombed the levees in New Orleansbecause he hates black people.

I used to have one of those…

Anyway, does it seem to anyone else that the girls who put stuff on their Myspaces like, “omg liek i h8 drama!!!1″ are the ones who attract drama?  They usually also have something written to the effect of, “omg liek boyz r soo dum!!!1one”.  A quick look through their “pics” section generally reveals twelve of their pictures in which they’re posing provacatively for the camera, wearing something that probably won’t keep you warm in Canada, with picture captions along the lines of: “soo bored…” or “my heart beats for no 1″ or “omg so drunk!!”.

Posting pictures of yourself 82 percent naked, 95 percent slutty, and 104 percent drunk is going to attract the stupid meathead boys who like to take pictures with their cell phones of themselves flexing in the mirror with no shirt on.  They are going to add you as their friend, then leave a comment saying something along the lines of: “hey beutiful thnx 4 teh add!!  dam ur so hott hit me up gurl!!1″

Then you’re going to end up dating one of these guys because he posted a picture of a glittery rose in your comments section (aww…  he’s so romantic…  <3 ), and because he’s got nice muscles and calls you baby all the time.  Next, you’re going to go to another party, get drunk, take 982974 pictures of yourself, and make out with some random guy that didn’t look all that attractive about an hour ago…  but, dang!  After these 12 beers, he looks mighty sexy!

Your meathead boyfriend is going to find out about it after you post the pictures on your Myspace. He will then proceed to call you a bitch, break up with you, and go try and beat up the guy you made out with.  However, the guy you made out with has some pretty big friends down at the mechanic shop where he gets all his aftermarket parts for his sweet pimped-out rice-rocket, and they all end up beating up your ex boyfriend instead.

The next day, you discover that you’re pregnant with a child whose father is some guy who was also at that fateful party that you don’t even remember sleeping with.  In a fit of disgust, you log onto Myspace and edit your profile so that it says, right where everyone will read it, “omg liek i h8 drama!!1″

There.  Finally.  Now all those other people that actually enjoy drama will see on your Myspace that you hate drama, leave you alone, and you’ll never be the victim of drama again.

The moral of the story?  If you find a girl who has “I hate drama” anywhere on their Myspace…  run.

You spend every hour of every waking moment thinking to youself, “Why won’t she come back to me?  Why doesn’t she love me anymore?”  She didn’t fall in love with you in the first place because of the way you wallowed in self-pity.  Why would you think that flaunting your self-pity in front of her would make her come back to you?

Perhaps you should focus on yourself.  Make yourself into an incredible human being.  Take the steps necessary to better yourself.  Become someone who is capable of giving her the love she wants…  and needs.

You want her to come back to you?

Give her something to come back to.